Two weeks ago, we identified the importance of recognizing your stress response so you can stay present when a distressing topic presents itself in conversation. And we explored how the three typical stress responses might look and feel.
Last week we looked at what it's like on the receiving side of an unmitigated stress response, i.e., how your clients might experience you, the coach, if you're unaware of your emotional triggers and patterned reactions.
This week we'll look at what the coach (or human) who tends to see challenges through unemotional practicality can do when their stress response kicks into high gear.
To recap: Here's what might sound familiar if you land in the Practical Competency Harmonic Group (Chapter 6 in Witnessing Grief).
I'm cool as a cucumber when emotionally triggered. In other words, I shut out all emotions and address the present problem, provocation, or antagonist. I adeptly avoid emotional discomfort by redirecting my attention to what I can control, fix, mend, repair, or improve. I'm terrific in a crisis because I remain unflustered and focused. However, people sometimes inaccurately intuit my absence of emotion and feel unimportant, judged, and disconnected from me.
If this sounds like you, and you'd like to retain your connection with your client (or friend, family, or loved one) when you hear something emotionally triggering, it's time to recognize your stress response's impact on the relationship and do something different.
Step One is the same for everyone; recognizing your patterned emotional response.
Pause your reaction as soon as you identify it's happening.
Breathe.
Taking your best guess at the patterned response of the other person, validate them.
Briefly state your perspective, leaving emotion, rationale, and explanation out.
Invite the upside of the third stress response as a way through the discord.
Using the above Practical Competency stress response as an example, and if the other's stress response is emotional realness, it might sound like this:
(I recognize the need to identify a problem or issue, shut down my emotions, and sense an urge to find a solution.)
Pause and
Breathe to get present and clear my reactivity.
5 and 6:
"I hear the energy and intensity in your words and the importance this topic holds for you."
"I want to help find a solution to bring some equilibrium back to the situation/conversation/relationship."
"What else would you like me to know to understand your experience fully?"
"I'm confident we will find a way through this together; what direction would you like to take next as we navigate this issue?"
Again, using the above Practical Competency reaction as an example, it might sound like this if the other's stress response is that of a positive outlook:
(I recognize the need to identify a problem or issue, shut down my emotions, and sense an urge to find a solution.)
Pause and
Breathe to get present and clear my reactivity.
5 and 6:
"I appreciate your natural ability to see that this will all work out without much effort at all."
"And I want to ensure that we don't miss anything to get to the other side of this."
"I'm feeling nervous about the lasting effects of this situation if we aren't thorough. What's coming up for you as I share that with you?"
Pause and Reflect:
What are you aware of as you consider these scenarios?
What's your best takeaway?
How might you utilize what you've learned here moving forward?
Next week we'll navigate the Positive Outlook's habitual stress reaction, its impact on coaching conversations, and how to circumvent disaster.
Holly Margl is the award-winning author of Witnessing Grief; Inviting Trauma and Loss to Our Coaching Conversations, An Enneagram Perspective, coach, coach mentor, and trainer specializing in grief, trauma, and the Enneagram.