This week you're the client on the receiving side of your coach's emotional unintelligence (unfiltered stress responses) described in last week's article.
So, how does it feel to share something vulnerable with someone (like a coach) and end up feeling invalidated and maybe worse than before?
Suppose you recognize yourself as someone who feels and shares emotions freely. You share an issue or problem, looking for assurance that the other person (i.e., coach) "gets it," leaving you feeling validated. What happens when the other person gets logical and starts problem-solving? Or they seem uncomfortable with your big feelings and back away (emotionally or physically). Or tell you everything will be alright in an attempt to make you feel better? Or perhaps they even get emotional with you, usurping your experience.
Or you may recognize yourself as someone who tends to stay primarily detached from emotions, preferring to keep things running smoothly and sensibly. So what happens when you share a problem or struggle, and the other person (i.e., coach) asks how you're feeling while getting teary themselves, maybe even coming in for a hug? Or tell you it's healthy to slow down and talk about your feelings? Or suggest you spend time with friends or binge-watch a show on Netflix to forget about your dilemma for a while. Or they might immediately provide a solution that you deem nonsensical, as though you're unable to figure out what to do.
Or you're someone who limits the time you spend thinking about problems and troubles. Your approach is to do what you can in small chunks only when you must. So what happens when the person you're opening up to (i.e., coach) urges you to deal with the dilemma and your feelings about it, gets emotional about your issue, or troubleshoots and advises on what you should do next? Or you might notice them fidget when you mention your predicament or difficulty and then cheerfully change the subject to something more pleasant or exciting.
Pause and Reflect:
We've all felt it; what's it like on the receiving end of unfiltered emotional reactivity?
How does that observation impact you, if at all?
Unless mental health issues are present, we can all learn presence and emotional intelligence to decrease the chance that our emotional reactions negatively impact our coaching conversations. But, we must be willing and able to be (mirror) what we want for our clients.
Next up: How to use what you know about your stress response to keep it from interfering with your coaching efficacy.
Holly Margl is the award-winning author of Witnessing Grief; Inviting Trauma and Loss to Our Coaching Conversations, An Enneagram Perspective, coach, coach mentor, and trainer specializing in grief, trauma, and the Enneagram.