Three weeks ago, we identified the importance of recognizing your stress response so you can stay present when a distressing topic arises in conversation. And we explored how the three typical stress responses might look and feel.
Two weeks ago, we considered the receiving side experience of an unmitigated stress response, i.e., how your clients might experience you, the coach, if you're unaware of your emotional triggers and patterned reactions.
Last week we peeked into the coach (or human) who manages discord and dissatisfaction with practical competency. This week we'll explore the strategy of having a positive outlook in these moments.
To recap: Here's what might sound familiar if you land in the Positive Outlook Harmonic Group (Chapter 5 in Witnessing Grief).
I prefer not to focus on negative things, people, experiences, etc. So when I'm emotionally triggered, I use distraction to avoid feeling uneasy, uncomfortable, or troubled. I set about reminding you of positive things, happy times, your talents, and what's going well. Or I might find something fun to do, leave the physical space, or energetically disappear into my imagination until the unpleasant topic or moment passes. Consequently, while I emphasize comfort and pleasure, others sometimes feel invalidated, unseen, and unheard when I avoid what's discomforting or unsettling.
If this sounds like you, and you'd like to retain your connection with your client (or friend, family, or loved one) when you hear something emotionally triggering, it's time to recognize your stress response's impact on the relationship and do something different.
Step One is the same for everyone; recognizing your patterned emotional response.
Pause your reaction as soon as you identify it's happening.
Breathe to ground yourself.
Take your best guess at the other person's patterned stress response and, using that language, validate them (even if it matches your own).
Briefly state your perspective without putting a positive or dismissive spin on it.
Invite the upside of the third stress response as a way through the discord. (or, in the case of two people with the same stress response, invite the other two.)
Using the above Positive Outlook stress response as an example, and if the other's stress response is emotional realness, it might sound like this:
(I recognize my urge to flee, make light of, or distract when discomfort or discord arises.)
Pause and
Breathe to get present and clear my reactivity.
5 and 6:
"Your inflections and intensity tell me just how important this is to you, and I respect that."
"Also, I'm pretty uncomfortable with the force I feel behind your words and the energy in the room."
"I bet we can find a way to navigate this together, though I don't know what that looks like. What ideas come to mind for you?"
Again, using the above Positive Outlook reaction as an example, it might sound like this if the other's stress response is practical competency:
(I recognize my urge to flee, make light of, or distract when discomfort or discord arises.)
Pause and
Breathe to get present and clear my reactivity.
5 and 6:
"I see that you want to get down to business and figure this out, and I know you're really good at problem-solving."
"However, this feels like conflict to me, so I want to cut and run or else play it down to decrease the tension in here."
"I guess I feel negative vibes right now, making me extremely uneasy. It would help to know what you're feeling right now, too."
Pause and Reflect:
What are you aware of as you consider these scenarios?
What's your best takeaway?
How might you utilize what you've learned here moving forward?
Next week we'll navigate the Emotional Realness stress response style, its impact on coaching conversations, and how to circumvent disaster.
Holly Margl is the award-winning author of Witnessing Grief; Inviting Trauma and Loss to Our Coaching Conversations, An Enneagram Perspective, coach, coach mentor, and trainer specializing in grief, trauma, and the Enneagram.