We've made it to our last Harmonic Group scenario.
So, four weeks ago, we identified the importance of recognizing your stress response so you can stay present when a distressing topic arises in your conversations. And we explored how the three typical stress responses might look and feel.
Three weeks ago, we considered the receiving side experience of an unmitigated stress response, i.e., how your clients might experience you, the coach, if you're unaware of your emotional triggers and patterned reactions.
Two weeks ago, we peeked into the coach (or human) who manages discord and dissatisfaction with practical competency.
Last week, we explored the positive outlook strategy during uncomfortable or stress-producing moments.
Finally, this week we'll glimpse what happens in a disquieting conversation when one uses Emotional Realness to manage tense moments.
To recap: Here's what might sound familiar if you land in the Emotional Realness Harmonic Group (Chapter 7 in Witnessing Grief).
You'll know when I'm emotionally triggered. I'm perfectly comfortable letting you know how I feel, whether directly or indirectly. I want you to know precisely why I'm upset, uncomfortable, or angry. If I don't think you understand, I will push and prod until I think you do, even if that means yelling, name-calling, threatening, exaggerating, or shutting you out. Though I don't intend to, disastrously, it's easy to see that my authentic yet overzealous emoting has the potential to destroy my most valuable relationships.
If this sounds like you and you'd like to retain your professional and personal connections when you hear something emotionally upsetting or triggering, it's time to recognize your stress response's impact on the relationship and do something different.
Step One is the same for everyone; recognizing your patterned emotional response.
Pause your reaction as soon as you identify it's happening.
Breathe to ground yourself in the present moment.
Take your best guess at the other person's patterned stress response and, using that language, validate them (even if it matches your own).
Briefly state your perspective with neutrality and objectivity.
Invite the upside of the third stress response as a way through the discord. (or, in the case of two people with the same stress response, invite the other two.)
Using the above Emotional Realness stress response as an example, and if the other's stress response is positive outlook, it might sound like this:
(I recognize emotional energy as it fills my entire being, urging and demanding release.)
Pause and
Breathe to get present and clear my reactivity.
5 and 6:
"I appreciate your natural ability to reframe uncomfortable and awkward experiences."
"However, it's also important to feel understood and address what's amiss with resolute authenticity."
"If we're earnest and put our heads together, we'll find a solution and maybe a new perspective. What do you think a first step might be?"
Again, using the above Emotional Realness reaction as an example, it might sound like this if the other's stress response is practical competency:
(I recognize emotional energy as it fills my entire being, urging and demanding release.)
Pause and
Breathe to get present and clear my reactivity.
5 and 6:
"I know you're exceptional at problem-solving and would like to focus on rectifying the situation.
"However, feeling understood is also important; if not, an emotional purge might exacerbate an already tense encounter."
"I'm positive we can find our way through this snag if we appreciate one another and why we're here. What do you think?"
We've reached the end of our Harmonic Group exploration for now. And while they're brief, remember that the scenarios explored over the last several weeks are merely examples. Their professional or personal application is the reader's choice and responsibility.
It's been a pleasure to dig deeper into my understanding of the Harmonic Groups and share it with you. I'm involved in an Enneagram teacher training for the next several months and look forward to sharing more of what I learn with you. Thank you for learning along with me. 💙
As a side note, I'm designing a course based on Witnessing Grief that will include the Harmonic Groups. I'm new at this, so it takes a lot of work, but Wellcoaches asked me to do this, and I will prevail! Additionally, I'm honored to share that my friends in Singapore have also asked me to teach my course when I complete it. 😉 And who knows, perhaps I'll offer it through my website one day.
I'll also create an Enneagram course down the road, but the focus will likely be determined as I work through my teacher training.
Pause and Reflect:
What are your best takeaways from the last five weeks?
What have you learned about yourself?
How will you apply this information to your daily interactions?
Holly Margl is the award-winning author of Witnessing Grief; Inviting Trauma and Loss to Our Coaching Conversations, An Enneagram Perspective, coach, coach mentor, and trainer specializing in grief, trauma, and the Enneagram.
