Loss is a universal equalizer, transforming our illusion of separateness, permanence, and duality. Yet, hearing stories of tragedy and grief, we protect ourselves with habitual personality strategies sorted via neural pathways and patterned behaviors. With platitudes and idioms, we erect barriers that block receptivity, reinforce otherness, and prevent the transformational power of grief for both the griever and the witness.
But why do we block the possibility of grief's transformation? And who is the 'I' believing loss and trauma are happening to someone else?
When we witness someone sharing their story of grief or trauma, it's ourselves that we see reflected on their face and in their voice. Suddenly, we're confronted with mortality, both ours and our loved ones. The meaning we've invested in human existence necessitates protecting our fragility, so we renounce death and its bearer. And still believing we have some choice in our life and death, we metaphorically or quite literally scurry away from the offending topic.
Without an Inner Witness, we obstruct the griever's (and our) transformation process by responding to our emotional attachments and mental aversions. We consciously or unconsciously step away from grief by attempting to fix or normalize the experience, improve or inspire the griever's feelings, or through emotional dysregulation and over-identification.
Still, grief invites us toward I am. Grief exposes our raw existence and may annihilate the person we take ourselves to be, drawing us closer to Essence. Grief delivers an un-doing of our fundamental certainties, the things we take for granted, and with it, may bring a fearlessness of death, sometimes even a death wish—an end to suffering—an escape from a lifetime of dissolution.
Point Five in our Head Center teaches us Holy Transparency through non-attachment and impermanence. We let go of holding so tightly to our beliefs, assumptions, attachments, and aversions. We see beyond the bounds of physical birth and death. We see that death does not bring suffering but the end of suffering. We know that we are each a wave on the same ocean, cresting and receding without effort.
Knowing death is a guarantee; we can surrender to the powerlessness of death and remain Present to what is true right now—Holy Truth, at Point Eight. We can see beyond the duality of life and death into the non-dual transformative power of grief by stepping toward grief, stepping with grief, and finally, stepping as grief.
What does it mean to step toward grief? With Inner Witnessing, we step toward grief (Where does your attention go when you hear stories of tragedy and loss?)
What does it mean to step with grief? Through Presence, we step with grief (Whose loss do you endure by evading grief?)
What does it mean to step as grief? By Surrendering, we embrace impermanence (What happens if you wake up to mortal powerlessness?)
Holly Margl is the award-winning author of Witnessing Grief; Inviting Trauma and Loss to Our Coaching Conversations, An Enneagram Perspective, coach, coach mentor, and trainer specializing in grief, trauma, and the Enneagram.
