Let's explore the difference between non-attachment and detachment in a relational context.
This topic arose recently in a conversation with fellow coaches. Some reflected on the value of "detached presence" in a coaching conversation, which didn't sit well with me. So, I've decided to explore the differences with all of you. I welcome your thoughts and insights in the comments section.
Hearing the term non-attached, Buddhism comes to mind for me. Indeed, a core tenet of Buddhism is that our attachments and habit of resisting reality cause human suffering. Additionally, within the Enneagram system, non-attachment is the virtue of Point Five—the gift of living from a higher mind.
When we're attached to beliefs, ideas, opinions, knowledge, thoughts, feelings, and even people, we're closed off, protective, fixed, and maybe even defensive. We're threatened by what doesn't align with our position. War might be the ultimate means of defending one's attachments. Attached presence is narrowly seeing the world only through our lens.
Conversely, non-attachment is inclusive—it's knowing we are not separate or permanent. It's not fearful, isolating, or defensive. Non-attachment is sensing and accepting that everything is transient: thoughts, feelings, intentions, air, water, relationships, and even life. Non-attachment is letting go of expectations, assumptions, and entitlements. Non-attachment is freedom from fear.
Non-attached presence is the quiet knowing and acceptance that each moment is fluid, like water that slides through your fingers when placed in a running river (versus trying to grab and hold (attach to) the river's current).
Alternatively, the definition of detached is "Showing lack of emotional involvement. Lacking affection or warm feeling." At the same time, Detachment is defined as "Indifference to the concerns of others; disregard; nonchalance; aloofness. Avoiding emotional involvement."
Detachment builds walls and fosters othering; without emotional investment, it creates separateness. Detachment is emotional self-protection—perchance the flip side of the attachment coin—both unwilling to be affected by another. Detachment in coaching (detached presence) might be sensed as disinterest, discomfort, impatience, or even defensiveness by another.
Meanwhile, non-attachment in coaching (non-attached presence) is letting go of the outcome, agenda, one's performance, or image. It's being quietly engaged, spacious, and supportive without strings. Non-attached presence is being actively attuned and sensitive to what arises each moment, knowing each is fleeting, yet no less valuable.
Non-attached presence is not something we do; it is a way of being. Another might sense it as ease and acceptance.
So imagine, for a moment, what non-attached presence, detached presence, and attached presence look like in your everyday life. Which do you most often embody?
Holly Margl is the award-winning author of Witnessing Grief; Inviting Trauma and Loss to Our Coaching Conversations, An Enneagram Perspective, coach, coach mentor, and trainer specializing in grief, trauma, and the Enneagram.
