"I don't know what to say."
How's that for a response when a mother tells you her son was murdered last week? Or a father tells you a family friend sexually abused his daughter? How about when a client shares he missed the phone call from his deceased friend asking for help after overdosing?
Some might say "I don't know what to say" is at least authentic. But is it? And what makes it authentic?
Imagine how you might feel and respond if someone said, "I don't know what to say," when you've experienced a tragic death.
You'd probably automatically respond, "Oh, that's okay."
Wow! What just happened in this brief interaction?
The griever became responsible for letting you off the hook.
You feel relieved because you're off the hook.
You've invalidated the traumatized person.
You've shifted the focus to yourself.
You've shut down the conversation.
Do you know the favorite platitude given when someone shares a recent death? Unsurprising, "I'm sorry." (To dig into that one further, check out my book, Witnessing Grief.) Let's substitute that common adage with, "I don't know what to say." Visualize it. Hear it. Imagine conversation after conversation about a loved one's death, and nearly every response from almost every human being is, "I don't know what to say."
What comes up for you?
The misuse of this phrase extends beyond death, of course. With the examples in the first paragraph, imagine how it might impact someone undergoing cancer treatment or divorce, marginalization, losing a job, or struggling with addiction.
While "I don't know what to say" may be genuine, it's also cowardly.
Instead, be brave and be with the other without trying to fix anything, find the positive, or internalize their feelings (which is not empathy).
One of the most impactful shows of support is staying silent and looking into the other person's eyes—seeing the other and their pain without judgment or fear. Or, if you can't see them (if you're on a telephonic coaching call, for example), you can hear them with your undivided presence, a deep breath, and saying, "Oh, [name]." And after liberal silence for them to continue, you might ask, "What's most helpful right now, [name]?"
Holly Margl is the author of Witnessing Grief; Inviting Trauma and Loss to Our Coaching Conversations, An Enneagram Perspective, coach, coach mentor, and trainer specializing in grief, trauma, and the Enneagram.
