After a traumatic loss, it's common and normal for the bereaved to long for the end of their life. But the reason is more complicated than missing their deceased loved one.
The desire for life to end for those left behind is a wish to escape a lifetime of despair and misery lurking just beneath missing their loved one. And though they subside over time, these emotional monsters will forever lie in wait, ready to ambush, knocking you on your ass with any unforeseen emotional trigger. Hence, it can seem like an eternity of torment.
So, for those of you supporting a grieving client or loved one, understand any desperation you observe is about avoiding a lifetime of pain more than a desire to leave this earth. There is a difference between not wanting to live and wanting to die. Yes, there can be delicate moments of emotional suffering that should be swiftly and compassionately acknowledged and attended to if needed, but avoid projecting fear, anxiety, or assumptions onto the griever, lest you alienate them, lose their trust, and successfully erect a barrier between you—precisely what is most damaging to the griever (and your relationship) at that moment.
Instead, if you hope to be a steadfast witness, know your emotional triggers, have a way to course correct (find presence), and validate their feelings without trying to improve, fix, or commiserate. Whatever loss they've encountered sucks, and it belongs to them. So, with very few words, let them know you comprehend that.
Holly Margl is the award-winning author of Witnessing Grief; Inviting Trauma and Loss to Our Coaching Conversations, An Enneagram Perspective, coach, coach mentor, and trainer specializing in grief, trauma, and the Enneagram.
First Place Award
Nonfiction > Health & Wellness - Psychology