A stellar question arose in my recent author event at the Two Harbors Public Library. The question was, "As loved ones, what can we do, or how can we disrupt/interrupt when we hear unhelpful platitudes [during stories of grief]? Or, to put it another way, as disruptors, how can we be supportive of the person who's trying, albeit with crass language, and the person who is grieving?"
This person (Madeline) reacted physically to another listener's unsympathetic and hurtful response to a mother's story of an adult child's death and wondered how she might have intervened. In her example, the comment from the other listener present was this, "I'm sorry to hear that. You have other children, right?"
Compassionately, Madeline's first consideration was to assuage the dismay on the grieving mother's face by acknowledging the suffering caused by child loss. Secondarily, she wanted to address the insensitivity of the other listener.
I admire Madeline's courage and self-awareness and agree that addressing the grieving mom is most valuable in the moment. And to her point, is it also possible to disrupt the harrowing interaction by providing an opportunity for self-reflection?
Using Madeline's example, because they were in person, Madeline might respond by putting a hand on the mother's arm and asking her son's name in the present tense (if she didn't already know it), then pause, letting the mom say more if desired. Then, she might lightly touch the person who shared the insensitive comment to get their attention and ask the intention behind their inquiry. It might be best received with an explanation so Madeline might say, "I'm working on being present with and respecting grief and I want to ask a question to invite you to do the same; what's behind asking if X has other children?"
Questions like this allow one to consider what they're asking and why, not to shame. We can't change what we don't see and learn best when we find the answers, not when we're told them.
What are your thoughts on this topic? Please share in the comments section below.
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Thank you, Madeline, for the question and the notion of being a "disruptor." I'm ecstatic to know there's a growing band of evasion disruptors learning to stand firm when grief arrives in a conversation and challenge the multitudes of platitudes!
Holly Margl is the award-winning author of Witnessing Grief; Inviting Trauma and Loss to Our Coaching Conversations, An Enneagram Perspective, coach, coach mentor, and trainer specializing in grief, trauma, and the Enneagram.
