If you want to establish a behavior change that becomes routine, try not talking to yourself before and after the activity that initiates the change.
For example, if you want to begin a morning exercise routine, when you wake up, don't talk to yourself about what you feel (or don't feel) like doing or whether the weather accommodates the exercise—just go. When you finish exercising, don't talk to yourself (or anyone else) about how amazing, average, or crummy you are; let go of your ego and go on with the rest of your day.
If you want to add a meditation practice in the middle of your day, pick a time, and when that time arrives, don't talk to yourself about whether you have the time or how productive (or not) it will (or won't) be, set your timer and do it. When you're done, don't pat yourself on the back or self-evaluate your effort; let go of your ego and get back to what's next on your agenda.
If you want to learn something new, take a class or workshop for self-development (like the Enneagram); do it without inner or outer fanfare. Anything else is merely ego-stroking (self-criticism, self-bolstering, and everything in between reinforce your ego/self-image).
If you tend to be an overthinker and want to be more spontaneous, try not to convince yourself (via self-talk) to be spontaneous—it ruins the spontaneity. Much like talking to oneself and others about humility, generosity, or empathy epitomizes the opposite.
Talking to ourselves and others about our thoughts and feelings around behavior change rather than just doing the change we profess to want is evaluative fluff supporting our ego/self-image. Whether justifying why we have or haven't done something or ballyhooing about a pursuit (to self and others), through valuation, we're reinforcing patterned behaviors that keep us right where and who we are.
Self-reflection is vital to self-development, but (positive or negative) self-appraisal supports the ego (personality) rather than change. So if you really want to change, try stopping the inner dialogue and take Nike's advice—Just Do It.
Holly Margl is the award-winning author of Witnessing Grief; Inviting Trauma and Loss to Our Coaching Conversations, An Enneagram Perspective, coach, coach mentor, and trainer specializing in grief, trauma, and the Enneagram.
