Not long ago, in a second coaching session, one of my clients* referenced a metaphor for his recent dramatic behavior changes. He said proudly, "I've reversed my polarity!" In this case, he meant moving from seeing others through a critical, fault-finding lens to curiosity and desire to understand them. 

Our first conversation began with a long monologue oozing with irritation and disgust for people/colleagues who didn't live up to his standards and expectations; "How can others walk into a room and think it's clean when it obviously isn't? Do they think stepping over a mess means it's not there? I'm tired of their laziness." 

Unsurprisingly, he came to coaching because he didn't get along with his colleagues. So he showed up requiring a strategy to make them see and do things his (right) way.

When he finished making his case, I asked him, "What if a change in your perspective, not others, is needed?"

He paused and was surprisingly curious and receptive, so we explored the idea that others aren't purposely ignoring things he finds essential; instead, they see the world through different lenses than him and, thus, bring unique yet valuable gifts to the table.

With wonder (and I'm not exaggerating here), he began to recognize the ceaseless judgment and evaluation through which he filters everything, including others. So, with humility, he decided to practice asking himself, "What makes that important to them?" 

At the end of our first conversation, my client left with an innocent yet excited curiosity for his colleagues. He returned a month later and enthusiastically shared how well he's getting along with everyone now that he's asking them what's meaningful and engaging for them. And that's when he shared, "I've reversed my polarity! Instead of repelling people, I'm attracting them!"

I have never seen a brighter lightbulb appear in a first conversation while exploring a thought and behavior pattern causing such broad interpersonal torment. Nor have I seen such zeal to embark on and implement significant personal change. Stunning.

Pause and reflect:
What polarity could you stand to reverse?

• This client resonates with the Enneagram dominant bias Rectitude or diagram number One, as described in my book Witnessing Grief; Inviting Trauma and Loss to Our Coaching Conversations, An Enneagram Perspective.

Holly Margl is the author of Witnessing Grief; Inviting Trauma and Loss to Our Coaching Conversations, An Enneagram Perspective, coach, coach mentor, and trainer specializing in grief, trauma, and the Enneagram.